We once again find ourselves at odds with the United States Government on the subject of food recommendations. We have already laid the blame for American obesity at the base of the old Food Pyramid. We reviewed the new MyPlate website and recommended that the name be changed to Carb-O-Matic. Recently, we have become aware of something even more distasteful.
According to the United States Department of Agriculture the perfectly grilled hamburger should be cooked to an internal temperature of at least 160°F. This is a travesty. We tried it. Andrea described the taste as, “like bobbing for apples in a bag of charcoal.”
Walking and running burn the same number of calories per mile. It is an oft repeated mantra that we have all heard thousands of times. This idea is rooted in eighth-grade physics, specifically the equation “work = force x distance.” For those who were distracted or otherwise missed that lecture, the point is that it takes a defined amount of energy to move a body of mass over a measured distance. The speed of the object is not taken into account. Therefore, running and walking should require the same amount of energy to cover the same distance.
This is usually presented as great news for walkers. “Take a stroll around the block,” the thinking goes. “It’ll burn just as many calories mile for mile as if you sprinted it.” The only problem with this doctrine is that it is absolutely not true.
Years ago we lived next door to Dave Elger, star of the low-budget TV Show Hot Mixology. The show’s concept is simple: Community Theater meets Leaving Las Vegas. When Charlie Sheen embarked on his post-meltdown comedy tour a few years ago, he was stealing Dave’s act.
One weak-minded on evening, Dave convinced us to join him on camera in the role of bar patrons. The moment a stranger dragged us into a lighted hallway and began coating us in layers of hairspray and makeup, we realized that we had made a terrible mistake. Andrea’s hair was teased to Debbie Harry perfection. The layers of CoverGirl on Steven’s neck and face were so thick that he felt like he was wearing a rubber Nixon mask. We saw the video the following day; our onscreen personas can best described as somewhere between Kardashian and rodeo clown.
Exiting a subway car in Hong Kong during rush hour is as close as we will ever come to the experience of Coho Salmon swimming upstream to spawn. The train doors open and a wall of people rush in. If you want off before the final stop, your only option is to lower your head and power forward into the wave. Above all else, never stop moving. If you stall, even momentarily, the momentum of workers desperate to get home from work will drag you back onto the train. Perhaps a better analogy would be defeating the pass rush of the Baltimore Ravens.
“Lose weight while eating ten slices of bread a day.” As unbelievable as it sounds, this is current dietary advice being pedaled by the US Department of Agriculture.
To be fair, this specific recommendation was made for Steven who weighs 185 pounds. Andrea weighs considerably less, so she only gets 9 slices of bread per day.
Over 15 years ago, we visited the Galapagos Islands. Anyone who has studied Charles Darwin knows that these islands can have a strong and lasting impact on a young mind. Our trip lasted seven days. To this day, we show our affection for one another by performing the mating dance of the blue-footed booby.
We hate getting notifications of website policy changes. Invariably, these updates inform us of new rules allowing the sale our names, addresses and credit card numbers to the Russian mafia. We assure you these are not the types of changes we are planning.
Drink Your Carbs launched in December of 2011. Since that time we’ve received a ton of feedback. We’ve been called everything from geniuses to morons. We’ve also fielded countless question on topics ranging from diet sodas and ranch dressing to whether knitting counts towards exercise. Through all of the inquiries we’ve received, however, one question has never been asked: How much alcohol is too much?