We took Drink Your Carbs to the bottom of the world to test it in one of the harshest environments on Earth.
While planning our expedition, we imagined ourselves as modern day Shackletons surviving only through a combination of wits, seal blubber and cask-strength whiskey.
As it turns out, this lifestyle is now prohibited under the Antarctic Treaty. These days, visiting is more like being transported into an episode of the Love Boat in which Puerto Vallarta has been replaced by a frozen continent. In our case, the role of Captain Stubing was played by a former Russian naval commander with a gruff demeanor that presumably concealed a heart of gold. Charo was played by a balding Canadian named Scott.
In other words, instead of hauling a wooden sledge through chest-deep snow, we did our trekking from a balcony suite on the Ocean Diamond, a Quark Expeditions luxury ship.
While planning our expedition, we imagined ourselves as modern day Shackletons surviving only through a combination of wits, seal blubber and cask-strength whiskey.
As it turns out, this lifestyle is now prohibited under the Antarctic Treaty. These days, visiting is more like being transported into an episode of the Love Boat in which Puerto Vallarta has been replaced by a frozen continent. In our case, the role of Captain Stubing was played by a former Russian naval commander with a gruff demeanor that presumably concealed a heart of gold. Charo was played by a balding Canadian named Scott.
In other words, instead of hauling a wooden sledge through chest-deep snow, we did our trekking from a balcony suite on the Ocean Diamond, a Quark Expeditions luxury ship.
Antarctica is a hard place to describe and an even harder place to get to. It took three flights and nearly 20 hours in the air to travel from San Francisco to Ushuaia, a small city located at the tip of Argentina. From there we boarded the Ocean Diamond for a two-day sail across Drake’s Passage.
Drake’s Passage is one of the most feared stretches of open ocean on the planet. This is where the Pacific, Atlantic and Southern oceans meet, producing the kinds of ship-sinking swell that Hollywood spends millions of dollars recreating.
Since 1805, sailors have used the Beaufort scale to measure the relative fearsomeness of waves and wind. We prefer to compare our maritime conditions to rides at Disneyland. Our voyage from Argentina to Antarctica was abnormally serene; on our scale it ranked just below “It’s a Small World.”
Our return trip, however, was a different story. The Passage lived up to its stomach-turning reputation, throwing 25-foot waves at us alongside 89 mile-per-hour gusts. We liken that crossing to a car derailment on “Space Mountain” that sends you careening through the façade of “Cinderella’s Castle.” But we are getting ahead of ourselves.
Drake’s Passage is one of the most feared stretches of open ocean on the planet. This is where the Pacific, Atlantic and Southern oceans meet, producing the kinds of ship-sinking swell that Hollywood spends millions of dollars recreating.
Since 1805, sailors have used the Beaufort scale to measure the relative fearsomeness of waves and wind. We prefer to compare our maritime conditions to rides at Disneyland. Our voyage from Argentina to Antarctica was abnormally serene; on our scale it ranked just below “It’s a Small World.”
Our return trip, however, was a different story. The Passage lived up to its stomach-turning reputation, throwing 25-foot waves at us alongside 89 mile-per-hour gusts. We liken that crossing to a car derailment on “Space Mountain” that sends you careening through the façade of “Cinderella’s Castle.” But we are getting ahead of ourselves.
Fact: The history of Antarctic exploration is largely a history of driving around looking for a place to park. Many early explorers were unable to set foot on the continent. Some were turned back by sea ice before they reached the Antarctic Circle. Others discovered long stretches of coast that were inaccessible; either the bays were clogged with icebergs or the coast itself consisted of an impenetrable 300-foot ice wall.
Some of the early ninetieth century explorers returned home with detailed maps of mountains, islands and inlets that actually do not exist. Some historians blame poor navigation and inferior mapping skills. We believe the more likely explanation is that it was preferable to fabricate whole land masses than to report home having not claimed a single speck of rock for king and country.
We crossed the Antarctic Circle at 2 a.m. on our third night of sailing. An announcement went over the loudspeaker and we all gathered on the main deck for spiked hot chocolate and a deafening blast from the ship’s horn.
We then spent the next few hours doing the maritime equivalent of circling the block. We tried every imaginable approach, but we could not push through the ice floes blocking access to Marguerite Bay.
There are days in San Francisco when we circle for parking for more than an hour before giving up and going home. Our captain ultimately made the same choice to turn back. By morning we had left the Circle behind and were motoring north along the Antarctic Peninsula.
Antarctica is an alien landscape. It is not, as we imagined, a frozen, featureless plateau. Jagged mountains run the entire length of the peninsula like blackened teeth jutting up through layers of ice and snow. Glaciers formed in these mountains terminate in icy cliffs along the shore.
For most of our journey, these brilliant blue and white cliffs stretched the entire length of the horizon. It was the vastness that impressed us most. The sheer enormity inspires the same sense of awe that comes from looking at stars on a perfectly clear night, far from lights of civilization. Or from driving on I-70 through Kansas.
We then spent the next few hours doing the maritime equivalent of circling the block. We tried every imaginable approach, but we could not push through the ice floes blocking access to Marguerite Bay.
There are days in San Francisco when we circle for parking for more than an hour before giving up and going home. Our captain ultimately made the same choice to turn back. By morning we had left the Circle behind and were motoring north along the Antarctic Peninsula.
Antarctica is an alien landscape. It is not, as we imagined, a frozen, featureless plateau. Jagged mountains run the entire length of the peninsula like blackened teeth jutting up through layers of ice and snow. Glaciers formed in these mountains terminate in icy cliffs along the shore.
For most of our journey, these brilliant blue and white cliffs stretched the entire length of the horizon. It was the vastness that impressed us most. The sheer enormity inspires the same sense of awe that comes from looking at stars on a perfectly clear night, far from lights of civilization. Or from driving on I-70 through Kansas.
Fact: We assumed that on our journey we would see stars further and brighter than we had ever seen before. We were wrong. The sun now sets on the British Empire, but it does not set in Antarctica during summertime. Around 10 p.m., the sun drops to the horizon producing the most colorful sunsets we have ever seen. The sun, however, never fully retreats. It continues pouring pinks, purples and reds into the surrounding landscape for hours before climbing back into the low sky.
If you come across a Match.com profile stating, “I love long walks, romantic dinners and three-hour sunsets,” you now know where your suitor lives.
Adding to the alien nature of the landscape are huge icebergs carved by wind and water into sculptures as complex as anything on display in New York’s Museum of Modern Art. We were lucky enough to see an iceberg roll over and we now know how the most remarkable shapes are formed. Thin spires and odd mushroom caps of ice form beneath the water as icebergs melt. Ultimately, this process leaves the icebergs top heavy forcing them to topple over to reveal these other-worldly shapes and contours.
Fact: Forget March of the Penguins. If you want to get a real sense of Antarctica, watch The Empire Strikes Back. Antarctica is a dead ringer for the rebel home world, Hoth. We spent the voyage half expecting an Imperial Walker to peak over the snowy mountains and begin firing lasers at our ship.
More than one friend has asked, “Did you see polar bears?” The answer is no. We saw no bears because there are no bears to be seen. This is another example of something we should have researched before we left. We had no idea there are no native land mammals in Antarctica. On the bright side, we didn’t have to embarrass ourselves by asking one of the guides. We figured it out the instant we saw a penguin waddling across the ice.
On land penguins are about as agile as one-year-old children. They wobble along like drunks, waving their little arms for balance. They frequently trip and fall. Had Charles Darwin visited the Antarctic instead of the Galapagos, the theory of evolution would surely include a chapter on nature’s sense of humor. In the case of penguins, that sense of humor is distinctly slapstick.
On land penguins are about as agile as one-year-old children. They wobble along like drunks, waving their little arms for balance. They frequently trip and fall. Had Charles Darwin visited the Antarctic instead of the Galapagos, the theory of evolution would surely include a chapter on nature’s sense of humor. In the case of penguins, that sense of humor is distinctly slapstick.
Fact: There is no such thing as too many penguins.
Watching a penguin cross an ice floe, it is impossible not to appreciate the fact that penguins have no natural predators on land. Penguins are slow and clumsy on land because they can be. There is no advantage to moving faster or more gracefully. Simply put, penguins do not eat on land and nothing on land eats them. There are Skua, which are birds capable of taking a penguin chick, but Skua are too small to threaten full grown penguins. For penguins, land is home base.
It’s a whole different story once they dive in the icy water. There, penguins are among the most agile creatures we have ever seen. This makes perfect sense when you consider that in water, penguins must be able to catch fish and krill. They also need to outrun or outmaneuver sharks, leopard seals and killer whales.
One of the great pleasures of the trip was watching penguins swim underneath our kayaks, darting and weaving like tiny fighter pilots. They are even more impressive when covering distance; they jump from the water like porpoises. They get serious air. On one of our ship’s excursions, a penguin jumped into a Zodiac, landing in a woman’s lap. Unfortunately, during the ensuing panic no one thought to snap a picture.
It’s a whole different story once they dive in the icy water. There, penguins are among the most agile creatures we have ever seen. This makes perfect sense when you consider that in water, penguins must be able to catch fish and krill. They also need to outrun or outmaneuver sharks, leopard seals and killer whales.
One of the great pleasures of the trip was watching penguins swim underneath our kayaks, darting and weaving like tiny fighter pilots. They are even more impressive when covering distance; they jump from the water like porpoises. They get serious air. On one of our ship’s excursions, a penguin jumped into a Zodiac, landing in a woman’s lap. Unfortunately, during the ensuing panic no one thought to snap a picture.
Fact: The only resident land mammals in Antarctica are humans. The first permanent human settlement was established in 1956.
According to Wikipedia, there are between 1,000 and 5,000 summertime residents scattered across the Antarctic continent. According to Australia’s Antarctic Research Division, this number dwindles to several hundred during the unending darkness of winter. This presented a major problem for our plan to spread the message of Drink Your Carbs. There is virtually no one to spread it to. We met fewer than a dozen researchers who live on Antarctica. We interacted with them only briefly as we toured their facilities and shopped in their gift shops.
Fact: Vernadsky Station, one of two stations we visited, was built by the British in 1954. The base specializes in atmospheric research and is best known for taking the measurements that led to the discovery of the hole in the earth’s ozone layer. Even more impressive than their scientific work, however, is the fact that directly above their laboratory sits a full bar as well stocked as any pub in London. That bar is the last stop on the Vernadsky tour.
It’s not surprising that scientists working in one of the most remote places on earth would request the British government send materials to build a pub: bottles, taps, kegs, logoed mirrors, a brass rail and even a pool table. What amazes us is that some bureaucrat approved the expenditure and delivered the goods. As far as we are concerned, this was the last great act of the British Empire.
Ukraine took over Vernadsky in 1991 and gave it its current name. The Ukrainians did not, however, change the bar. The only addition we could discern is that they now distill and flavor their own signature vodka.
We raised our shot glasses. “To drinking our carbs in Antarctica.”
The two men behind the bar answered only “Nasdrovia.”
It would turn out that those shots would be the only food or beverage we consumed on land. And, technically, Vernadsky is located on an island, so those shots may not qualify as drinking in Antarctica.
The Antarctic Treaty of 1959 was amended in 2004 to govern the behavior of tourists visiting the continent. The revised rules state that nothing may be left behind. This includes everything from bacteria - we dipped our boots in an antibacterial solution before venturing ashore - to trash, scraps of food or even human waste. In other words, no food or beverages other than water may come ashore and there is no ducking behind a rock to pee. We learned to dehydrate ourselves in advance of landing so that we would not have to return to the ship prematurely.
All of our dining took place on board the Ocean Diamond. From a Drink Your Carbs perspective, this meant that our challenge was staying on our diet on a luxury cruise liner rather than anything to do with being in a polar environment.
We spent only one night away from our heated cabin. On the sixth night of the voyage, we camped on the ice. We slept in bivy sacks, which are essentially full-body condoms into which you stuff yourself and your sleeping bag. It was cold and windy. The sun never set, so it was difficult to sleep. On the bright side, we were visited repeatedly by a pair of penguins whose territory we had clearly invaded.
Sleeping on the ice in Antarctica sounds tough, but the entire excursion lasted less than 10 hours. We were dropped off on a spit of ice around 9:30 in the evening and shuttled back to the ship for breakfast at 7 a.m. It felt less like camping and more like the time, back in high school, when we spent the night in a snowy parking lot to purchase U2 tickets.
The Antarctic Treaty of 1959 was amended in 2004 to govern the behavior of tourists visiting the continent. The revised rules state that nothing may be left behind. This includes everything from bacteria - we dipped our boots in an antibacterial solution before venturing ashore - to trash, scraps of food or even human waste. In other words, no food or beverages other than water may come ashore and there is no ducking behind a rock to pee. We learned to dehydrate ourselves in advance of landing so that we would not have to return to the ship prematurely.
All of our dining took place on board the Ocean Diamond. From a Drink Your Carbs perspective, this meant that our challenge was staying on our diet on a luxury cruise liner rather than anything to do with being in a polar environment.
We spent only one night away from our heated cabin. On the sixth night of the voyage, we camped on the ice. We slept in bivy sacks, which are essentially full-body condoms into which you stuff yourself and your sleeping bag. It was cold and windy. The sun never set, so it was difficult to sleep. On the bright side, we were visited repeatedly by a pair of penguins whose territory we had clearly invaded.
Sleeping on the ice in Antarctica sounds tough, but the entire excursion lasted less than 10 hours. We were dropped off on a spit of ice around 9:30 in the evening and shuttled back to the ship for breakfast at 7 a.m. It felt less like camping and more like the time, back in high school, when we spent the night in a snowy parking lot to purchase U2 tickets.
Fact: Quark Expeditions truncated our camping trip for good reasons. The rules of Antarctica prohibited bringing ashore so much as a single protein bar. They had no choice but to drop us off after dinner.
Given the leave nothing rule, the simple act of relieving oneself was exceptionally complicated. Our expedition leaders built latrines from blocks of ice to give us a small measure of privacy, but the “toilets” had to comply with the Antarctic Treaty. They involved oversized buckets that were sealed in the morning and hauled back to the ship.
A few of our fellow campers found this immeasurably gross. Some people refused to go near them. The mere mention of them was enough to send one fellow guest reeling from the dinner table.
The upside of these restrictions, however, is that Antarctica is a truly pristine environment. There are very few signs of human intrusion. It is the only place we have ever been where we did not see even a single discarded candy wrapper or cigarette butt.
While we failed to spread the message of Drink Your Carbs to the Southern Continent, eating according to the rules of the Food List onboard the ship was simple. Breakfast consisted of eggs and bacon. Lunch was cobbled together from salads and proteins from a large buffet offering foods that we mostly could not eat. Dinner service was more formal and our waiter very quickly figured out that the best way to feed us was with plain grilled protein and steamed vegetables. It was by far our most successful Drink Your Carbs holiday. We both lost weight on the voyage.
Unfortunately, we cannot take full credit for our success. We very likely would have cheated more often had it been an option. For the first time in years, we were hamstrung by our food allergies. Over the past 20 years we have perfected ordering meals in restaurants that are wheat free, dairy free and still rich in flavor and complexity. Our secret lies in asking, “What do you think would be the best choice given our dietary afflictions?”
No matter how we asked that question, we receive the all too accommodating, “tell us what you want and the kitchen will prepare it.” No matter what we ordered, the chef’s solution was invariably to strip the dish of sauces and replace the sides with steamed vegetables. In other words, without any effort on our own part we found ourselves in Austerity Mode.
As we have mentioned, the downside of Austerity Mode is that it dramatically reduces calories and leaves you perpetually hungry. We ate until we were stuffed and 20 minutes later we were starving. While our fellow passengers whined about being overfed and gaining weight, we supplemented with the protein bars and beef jerky we always carry when we travel. By the third day of the cruise, we were obsessively counting and rationing our supplies. This was by far our most Shackleton-like experience.
Unfortunately, we cannot take full credit for our success. We very likely would have cheated more often had it been an option. For the first time in years, we were hamstrung by our food allergies. Over the past 20 years we have perfected ordering meals in restaurants that are wheat free, dairy free and still rich in flavor and complexity. Our secret lies in asking, “What do you think would be the best choice given our dietary afflictions?”
No matter how we asked that question, we receive the all too accommodating, “tell us what you want and the kitchen will prepare it.” No matter what we ordered, the chef’s solution was invariably to strip the dish of sauces and replace the sides with steamed vegetables. In other words, without any effort on our own part we found ourselves in Austerity Mode.
As we have mentioned, the downside of Austerity Mode is that it dramatically reduces calories and leaves you perpetually hungry. We ate until we were stuffed and 20 minutes later we were starving. While our fellow passengers whined about being overfed and gaining weight, we supplemented with the protein bars and beef jerky we always carry when we travel. By the third day of the cruise, we were obsessively counting and rationing our supplies. This was by far our most Shackleton-like experience.
“Is it just me, or are the penguins starting to look delicious?” Andrea asked near the end of the trip. It was not just her.
In fairness, we must note that the crew of the Ocean Diamond fed our fellow passengers like foie gras farms feed geese. Every few hours, more food was hauled from the kitchen. The main lounge served high tea complete with bottomless trays of cookies and cakes. The pre-dinner expedition meetings were paired with a buffet of deep fried nibbles. Late at night, the cookies and cakes reappeared. Because of our allergies, we ate exactly none of these.
We are not proud of this: the bulk of our between-meal calories came from the cocktail lounge. They had a respectable beer and wine selection, a few top shelf whiskeys and even a bottle of Amaro. From that list, we cobbled together the liquid lunch equivalent of between meal snacks.
We are not proud of this: the bulk of our between-meal calories came from the cocktail lounge. They had a respectable beer and wine selection, a few top shelf whiskeys and even a bottle of Amaro. From that list, we cobbled together the liquid lunch equivalent of between meal snacks.
Fact: We came to refer to our pairing of Austerity Mode with slightly higher than reasonable alcohol consumption as “Party Mode.” It is in no way an official part of the diet. But like the secret menu at In-N-Out Burger, it is available should a short-term need arise.
Maybe we didn’t succeed in drinking our carbs on Antarctica, but we definitely consider the trip a resounding success. Antarctica is the first truly unspoiled landscape we have ever visited. We have climbed mountains. We have trekked into jungles. On this trip we got a small glimpse of what the world looks like with little to no human interference.
Equally remarkable was our ability to stick to our diet for the duration of a luxury cruise. Before we left we would’ve argued that it could not be done. We had plenty of help, but we nonetheless feel that we accomplished something just short of miraculous. It was so successful that we just booked another Quark cruise to the Arctic.
The best part of our upcoming Arctic itinerary is that the entire trip takes place in protected waters. There will be no repeat of our second crossing of Drake’s Passage. Even our Captain remarked that the crossing was one of the worse of the year. Waves crested over the deck and drenched windows on the seventh floor. The ship listed so severely that lunch dishes skittered off the buffet and shattered against a far wall. Most of our fellow passengers were too sick to leave their staterooms.
Our Arctic cruise will, almost assuredly, take place in waters no rougher than the ride through Disney’s “Haunted Mansion.”
Also, for the Arctic, we will bring more snacks. This way Steven should never have to ask, “Is it just me, or are the polar bears starting to look delicious?”
Equally remarkable was our ability to stick to our diet for the duration of a luxury cruise. Before we left we would’ve argued that it could not be done. We had plenty of help, but we nonetheless feel that we accomplished something just short of miraculous. It was so successful that we just booked another Quark cruise to the Arctic.
The best part of our upcoming Arctic itinerary is that the entire trip takes place in protected waters. There will be no repeat of our second crossing of Drake’s Passage. Even our Captain remarked that the crossing was one of the worse of the year. Waves crested over the deck and drenched windows on the seventh floor. The ship listed so severely that lunch dishes skittered off the buffet and shattered against a far wall. Most of our fellow passengers were too sick to leave their staterooms.
Our Arctic cruise will, almost assuredly, take place in waters no rougher than the ride through Disney’s “Haunted Mansion.”
Also, for the Arctic, we will bring more snacks. This way Steven should never have to ask, “Is it just me, or are the polar bears starting to look delicious?”
