In our home, burgers serve the same role that pizza delivery serves in the average American household; if we are tired, lazy or just feel like kicking back in front of a football game, we make burgers.
Of course, our version removes the bun and the fries in favor of wine and beer because we prefer to drink our carbs.
Until a recent cooking mishap, we believed that we made damn good burgers. We were wrong. A fortunate accident set us straight. We now know how to make burgers so ridiculously good that they cause Tourette’s. Everyone who has tasted them has reacted similarly, “ Holy f@#k! I will never make normal burgers again.”
Of course, our version removes the bun and the fries in favor of wine and beer because we prefer to drink our carbs.
Until a recent cooking mishap, we believed that we made damn good burgers. We were wrong. A fortunate accident set us straight. We now know how to make burgers so ridiculously good that they cause Tourette’s. Everyone who has tasted them has reacted similarly, “ Holy f@#k! I will never make normal burgers again.”
Fact: Most accidents are not transformative. More often than not, our accidents destroy something we care deeply about and/or land one of us in the Emergency Room. Lucky for us, we rarely learn from experience. To this day, we continue to move too fast, leap before we look and ignore obvious warning signs.
Our carelessness has finally paid off. It has resulted in the best burger ever produced. We are not exaggerating. One day historians will ask, “Where you when Andrea and her sister f@#ked up the Persian Kabob recipe?”
If you have never tasted a Persian Kabob you are missing out. They are, at their most simple, ground meat pressed onto skewers and grilled. But in practice they are so much more. The depth of flavor goes way beyond the individual ingredients. We can’t fully explain it except to say that the recipe goes back centuries. In this case, practice has made perfect.
Fact: We considered writing a long, political treatise on the difference between “Persian” and “Iranian.” But we decided against it. No matter what we say, one side or the other is guaranteed to be offended. Either we lose a friend or we get to spend the next few years hiding in Salman Rushdie’s basement.
Andrea and her sister were halfway through preparing the kabobs when Andrea’s sister’s children staged a mutiny. The specifics have been lost, but in the tears and chaos Andrea and her sister forgot to drain the onion. (We will explain this shortly.) As a result, the meat was too soft and fell off the skewers minutes after putting them on the grill. At least one full skewer was lost between the grates.
There was no time or ingredients to start over. They began a salvage operation. They pressed the remaining meat into patties and grilled them as carefully as possible. They assumed the results would be, at best, mediocre. Instead, they ended producing burgers so good that none of us will even consider making normal burgers again.
There was no time or ingredients to start over. They began a salvage operation. They pressed the remaining meat into patties and grilled them as carefully as possible. They assumed the results would be, at best, mediocre. Instead, they ended producing burgers so good that none of us will even consider making normal burgers again.
Recipe: The Best F@#king Burger Ever
Ingredients:
Ingredients:
- 1 pound ground lamb
- 1 pound ground beef (We use 85% lean, but this recipe will work with a more lean grind because ground lamb is typically fatty enough to keep the burgers moist.)
- One medium yellow onion
- One egg
- Salt and pepper to taste
Method:
- Peel and grate the onion. (Andrea uses the large-hole shredder side of a box grater, but any cheese grater should work. They key is to grate the onion rather than chop it because grating releases more water and creates a more consistent texture.)
- Drain the onion. (The goal of draining the onions is to get out as much moisture as possible. We prefer to put the onions into a fine mesh strainer and push out as much liquid as possible. Alternately, you can just squeeze the onions in your fist.)
- Put the lamb and beef in a bowl large enough that you will have plenty of room to mix them with your hands.
- Add the egg. You can put the egg in whole or beaten. (We have tried both and can find no difference in the finished burgers.)
- Add the drained onions.
- Add at least 1 Tbsp. salt and 1 tsp. fresh ground pepper.
- Mix the ingredients with your hands. (Mix gently. You want the meat well mixed, but not over massaged. It’s also worth mentioning that it will feel wet for burger meat because of the onion.)
- Shape the meat into patties and grill on a grill pan or outdoor grill to your desired temperature. (There is some disagreement on the optimal patty size. Andrea thinks these burgers work best as sliders because the small size helps cook the onions. Steven prefers big fat burgers because he is lazy and dislikes getting up from the table to fetch seconds. Both sizes work. Feel free to run your own experiments and let us know who is brilliant and/or who is an idiot. Also, see below for cooking temperature guidelines.)
- (Optional) Add salt and pepper to the patties as they are cooking. It integrates nicely.
These burgers are a little different than their 100% beef counterparts. We recommend that you cook them to at least medium rare. Otherwise the raw onion flavor can be overwhelming. These burgers also taste great cooked to medium or even medium-well—something we never thought that we would say. The lamb and onions tend to keep them moist long beyond the point where beef burgers turn to hockey pucks.
Rest Your Burgers Before Serving Them:
For years we assumed that it was normal to take a bite of a burger and watch all of the juices rush like a waterfall on the plate. It turns out that this phenomenon can be minimized by resting the meat after cooking it.
Pull the burgers five degrees before they reach your desired temperature. Cover them with foil and allow them to rest for five minutes. The meat will continue cooking to the desired temperature. It will also reabsorb all of the moisture, resulting in perfect, juicy burgers.
You can quickly sear the burgers on the grill after the rest if the temperature has dropped too much. Otherwise, simply serve and enjoy.
Make Your Burgers Drink Your Carbs Perfect:
You can serve these on a bun, but if you want to make them DYC perfect, serve them on a salad or wrapped in large leaves of romaine lettuce.
All of the traditional sides work perfectly. Our favorites are pickles, bacon, avocado, tomatoes, pickled jalapeños, sautéed mushrooms, mayo and mustard.
And, if you are planning to drink your carbs, pair your burger with a big glass of red wine or a strong beer.
Burger Cooking Temperature Guidelines:
The United States Department of Agriculture recommends that all ground meat be cooked to an internal temperature of at least 160°F. We tried it. Andrea described the taste as, “like bobbing for apples in a bag of charcoal.”
We know where our meat comes from and we trust the source. So, we ignore the USDA and instead cook to the following temperatures:
Rare: 125°
Medium-Rare: 130°
Medium: 140°
Medium-Well: 150°
Well-Done and/or USDA Rare: 160°
