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Drink Your Carbs: The Drinker's Diet

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Ode to Harold the Cow

3/28/2016

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​“Do you want to meet Harold?” We were visiting our friends Chris and Kati in Petaluma, California. The question came as we were finishing a tour of the farm on which they live.
 
“Who’s Harold?” Andrea asked.
 
“He’s a cow our landlord is raising. Any interest in going into the meadow to feed him apples? He’ll take them right out of your hand.”
 
“Sure.” Anyone who was raised on a farm has already recognized the stupidity of our answer. 

​In spite of a recent explosion in wineries and amazing restaurants, Petaluma is still primarily a farming community. One of the local supermarkets saves old food for the area’s livestock. Anyone can swing by and grab a box of squishy apples, which someone had earlier in the week.
 
We loaded our arms with apples and headed through the wire gate into the large meadow. Harold weighed about 900 pounds and stood roughly roughly five feet high. He greeted us with the enthusiasm of a puppy. He jumped and pranced his way over. He showed no fear or hesitation. If anything, he looked thrilled by the attention. He took the apples one-by-one directly from our hands and munched contentedly. For brief moment, we were communing with nature in a way that only people who have never spent time on farms and ranches can.
One nice thing about nature is that when things go bad, they tend to do so quickly. You don’t have to waste a lot of time worrying. One moment you are living the utopian dream of a Disney Princess in the woods with wild animals sleeping in her lap. Then, and without warning, you a suddenly the pursued in the climatic scene from 1950’s monster movie.
 
In other words, we ran out of apples before Harold ran out of interest in eating them.
 
Harold was not pleased by the development. He’d moved from bouncing to lunging. His movements were no longer friendly. They were the movements of an enraged bull facing a matador in an old Hemmingway novel. We backed slowly towards the gate, but Harold flanked us and blocked our progress. By the time we sprinted Pamplona-style for the near fence, Harold’s 900 pounds of cuteness had faded to a distant memory.
 
Never let anyone tell you that a little juvenile delinquency is a bad thing. It may have saved our lives. We’re obviously advocating for lesser crimes, like trespassing. There is simply no better way to learn to vault a fence at speed.
 
The moment we reached safety and it became clear that Harold was unable to butt his way through fence, Andrea turned to Chris. “Did you say that your landlord was selling a quarter of Harold?” Chris nodded. “Sold.”
 
We have long advocated for grass-fed, humanely raised meats. Aside from a single incident where four idiots came into his meadow and unsettled him with squishy apples, this describes Harold perfectly.
 
Here are a few of our favorite Harold creations:
Harold Short Ribs
Zucchini Noodles with Harold Bolognese
Perfect Harold Burgers (Click for Recipe)
Steak night al la Harold
Harold Barbacoa Tacos (Recipe Coming Soon)
Harold with Salad & Kale (Click for our Perfect Kale Recipe)
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All of the fabulous photos of Harold were taken by Kati Jackson.

The not-nearly-as-fabulous food photos were taken by Steve & Andrea. (We should've spent more time staging and lighting our dinners but we had no idea we'd eventually need these photos for the blog.)

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    • History of Drinkers Diets
  • Eat
    • Basic Drink Your Carbs >
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      • How To Cheat On Your Diet
      • Calories In Deep-Frying
      • What About Gluten And Dairy?
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    • Nightmare Mode >
      • 30-Day Nightmare Mode Experiment
    • Food List >
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      • Austerity Mode Food List
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