What

Why Do Diets Fail?

Diet and lifestyle books are typically written by doctors and nurses or at least people with advanced degrees in science. We’ll admit it; these authors have impressive qualifications. They’ve spent years in school learning the intricate inner workings of the human body. They’ve memorized the relevant scientific literature and have written prestigious journal articles with titles like: “The Effect of Micronutrients on the Reproductive Urges of Mice.” They rented time on Cray Supercomputers in order to model the physiological effects on the human nervous system of nearly every known food on the planet. They tested their diets in underground laboratories on caged chimpanzees before entering into controlled human trials.

Unfortunately for the rest of us, the diets that inevitably emerge from this much research are unlivable and, therefor, unsustainable. Somehow, while dissecting cadavers in Anatomy class, diet authors failed to learn that before someone becomes a donated corpse, he or she lives in the real world. Sure it’s interesting to know which foods “feed the mitochondria” or force your body to “spill ketones,” but without incorporating an intimate understanding of the deep character flaws that make us human, these diets are about as useful as books on the musical theory behind atonal jazz.

Real people meet friends after work at the neighborhood bar. They like to crack a beer or pull the cork on a bottle of wine at the end of a long day. It’s no surprise that normal people can’t stick to these experts’ diets. These diets are not designed for normal people, though they all claim to be. We’ll delve further into this when we analyze some of the specific diets being pitched in the marketplace. But for now, suffice it to say that some of these diets require high school algebra to figure out the allowable portions every time you sit down to eat. Converting these portions into “Cards,” “Points” or “Blocks” doesn’t make the math easier; it requires a second set of equations.

• Fact: Dr. Dean Ornish has never eaten even a single french fry. If he had, we would’ve seen the video on YouTube.

Some diets include detailed lists of “encouraged” and “forbidden” foods that seem to be generated randomly, perhaps by the Supercomputer. For example, during the initial phase, the Atkins Diet prohibits eating carrots, beets and peas. Do yourself a favor and go to the grocery store. Find the heaviest person there. You’re looking for someone so large they can barely walk down the isle. If they are riding a mobility scooter, better yet. Don’t even look into their food cart. Just look at this person and ask yourself: “Did this person really get this large eating carrots, beets and peas?” Really?

Regardless of what Dr. Atkins thinks, we strongly believe that fresh fruit and vegetables, even those high in carbohydrates, have never put anyone into a mobility scooter.

   

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